Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
