one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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