I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
