She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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