I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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