Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
