onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
