ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
