it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
