I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
