If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
