I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
