Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
