The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
