omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
