I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
