I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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