I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
