got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
