Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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