Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
