Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
