life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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