he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
