Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
