Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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