I'm jealous of your bromance
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
