i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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