if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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