We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
