I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
