I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
