Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
