and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
