I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
