i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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