The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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