the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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