there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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