I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
