It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
