So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
