Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
