I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
