The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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