you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
