I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
