I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
