i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
