The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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