New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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